I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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