I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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