I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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