its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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