i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
