never play flip cup with pint glasses
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
