It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
