He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize