my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
