I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
