I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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