Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How does one acquire holy water?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
