The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
