shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
