Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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