tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
