DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
