You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
