i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
