Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
