Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I want to fling myself into the sun
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize