I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
