just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
