apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
