I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
