just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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