if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
