i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
