Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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