I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
