I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the day after is always just damage control
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
