oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Blood and glitter go together right?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
