I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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