I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
