New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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