Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
