watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
a search helicopter?!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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