Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
