I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
