Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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