I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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