I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
