i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
