I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
