I'm so fucking centered right now
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
