the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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