I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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