I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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