No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
