i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize