so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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