"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
