my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
