I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
