FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
