Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
