just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
