allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need a beard to bite.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
