So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
