I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
