Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
